"Using Online Resources for Parents, Teachers and Family Support Professionals in Times of War" Conference Call Summary

Judith Myers-Walls
Associate Professor and Extension Specialist
Purdue University

Gerri Peeples
Extension Specialist and Parent Readiness Program Coordinator
University of Illinois

Agenda:

Research
Specialist Comments
Facilitated conversation with participants
Question and answer period
Conclusion

Much attention has been given to this topic since September 11, 2001. People are feeling a lot more vulnerable. Parents are faced with needing to explain to children without having an idea of how to start.

Data collected since September 11, 2001:

Asked parents and children if they have talked about war and peace.
About 25% of the parents said they have not talked of war or peace to their children
About 42% of children have not talked with their parents about war
54 % of the kids have not talked with their parents about peace
AND These were different parents and children who think they have talked to each other.
60% agreement between parent and child mainly for the ones that have not talked.
This is not a large %.

A lot of parents think that they have talked to their kids and either the children did not get it, or the parent believed they communicated and the kids didn't recognize what was going on. There is a need to help parents make clear statements to kids that they can understand. This is a difficult topic and one talk will not do. Kids know more and react more than parents realize.

After the first Persian Gulf War, 25% of the parent said that their children had no reaction to the war. Only a couple of the children said they did not have a reaction. Parents think that knowing nothing about it is protecting their kids. One of the dangers is what is called "Cycle of Silence" or during the 80's the "Nuclear Taboo". It is a difficult topic for both in trying to establish normality. The kids desire to get back to normal living: eating same meal and sleeping their own bed. When they test the rules the parent are led to believe that the kids are not impacted by this. In addition, the kid's pickup that it is not okay to talk about it, and then begins the "Cycle of Silence".

By the age 3-4, almost all children can talk about war. An example, the comment made by a 3 year old when asked about war was, "throw it in the trash with other things we don't like", and was able to connect guns with that. It is unusual for a 7 year not to know of war. We need to assume that they do know and are reacting to what is going on in the media. Keep lines of communication open. A child was asked to draw a picture of war. The child drew a picture of an airplane and a big boulder. That was the plane flying into Iraq (a rock). That is what the child understood.

After September 11, 2001, driving across the river and 5 year old child wanted to know if the boaters were ok. He recognized the work "kayaker" and was getting hijacker and kayaker mixed up. Kids come up with their own misunderstanding and parent need to talk to them.

Parents do not understand their childrens reactions and responses. After the Persian Gulf War, a child was asked, "How did you feel when the war started and ended?" The parent was asked how did your child react. The number one reaction for both was fear and worries. The reaction was higher for the kids.

Next most common reaction for the kids was sadness and anger. The parents want to increase pride and patriotism. The kids do not connect it to our response of the war. Beware that the making of these things (flags, etc) are not mentioned by the kids, the symbolic things are too distant and abstract and cannot be connected to the war for the younger kids.

On the issue of reassuring the kids by telling the kids you will be okay… I believe we should not make this promise, say we are TRYING to make things okay. We don't want to make promises we have no control to keep. We need to say my love is with you, and speak of the higher power protection. We do not have that kind of control and the children could feel betrayed if it didn't turn out as we had promised.

It important for the parents to say what they believe about the war, since there are so many disagreements. Make recommendations to the kids to support those against and those who support the war. Almost all children believe war is bad. If you are against the war it is easy - If you support the war you can tell them that war is bad but necessary.

Important to help the parents deal w/their own feelings, the children will do as well as their parents. The parents need to be in touch with their own feelings. Do not give them the final answer, different age group will need different responses.

Help children develop attitude of peace and corporation. The parent is the primary model and the children learn what they live. Care should be taken with the children by listening whether is be verbal or non-verbal and respond accordingly.

Reflections for caring for ourselves:

Detach ourselves from things we cannot control, remain calm, take precautions, make an effort to research for accurate information, establish a daily routine that creates a state of well being, avoid things that causes frustration and tension, take time for activities that nourish such as being with nature, listening to music, enjoying time with friends. Attack worry whenever it begins, reduce stress, continue to enjoy our favorite sport or hobby and laugh when appropriate. Reach out to help others, appreciate friends and loved ones, avoid hatred.

Helping Children Cope:

Listen and respond to the needs of each child, when a child asks about the war give accurate information, acknowledge their feelings, spend time and avoid talking excessively about the war. Be generous with affection and assure them that you are working to keep them safe. Observe body language, give crayons, building blocks, and have them write letters. Remain calm and in control. Give support
.
Help kids understand the war at levels that the can understand. The ages and stages are very important no one response or type of response will work for each kid. Help parents to reflect on how well they know their own children. Help them understand and recognize a behavior that is not typical. Engage the child in a conversation to understand the conflict they are going through.

How to have conversations with children: Reassuring and soothing that the adult is in charge, working to keep them safe but not promising them things they cannot deliver. Offering information, they can understand at their own level. Helping children to have open communications about their thoughts, their feelings, their conceptions, misconceptions, fears. Help them to have a conversation with a caring adult.

Look at topics that deal with resiliency, fear, rituals, traditions and communications skills. If the parent is not comfortable offer role-plays to help them be able to reassure their children.

Messages given to children should be that they are safe and secure, the adult, in their lives, has a plan. Use play, art, and books to help children convey what they feel. Don't give too much information, just give a dose.

Critical Issues with Military families

With the return of military families communications maybe critical. Many of the military personnel have had an intense experience that the family did not share, this family system will need support.

In addition with so many reserves being called up - and so many families leaving the military support base when their family member was deployed - there may be many military families that will need support in the regular school and community systems. Teachers especially need to learn how to communicate an open attitude about the war that will be sensitive to all opinions about the war.

Conversation with Participants

Northern NY 25 miles from army base. Students have deployed parents. Sent out resources to area teachers and schools. Greatful to see this in print

Orange County NY - updated their web site to see how to talk to children
Lives near West Point. There has been trouble in her community with different opinions of the war and intolerance to the women in black group (an antiwar group).

It is important to teach children how to live with people w/out agreeing with them. Understanding does not mean agreeing. Who can yell louder, make bigger signs, hit others over their heads with your ideas or wave flags will not change minds. This is a challenge that appeared after September 11. The topics changed. Friendships were challenged. There are limits. This is an area that needs to be addressed in the resources. You can like people but not always agree, simple message but important.

How do you deal with (approach) people that you do not agree with about the war?

Classroom resources are very helpful
Pleased with the literature of Islam - World wide

Future needs and issues:

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