If your family doesn't fit the historical definition, then you and your children may occasionally face some difficult situations. For example, you may wonder, "How do I explain our family structure to my children?"

One purpose of this publication is to help you talk to your children about what really makes a group of people a family. You can help your children recognize that a family is better defined by what the people in them do for one another than by the way it is structured. Another purpose is to reassure you that many types of family exist in the United States, so you aren't alone in your efforts to establish a happy, healthy family.

Since the industrial age began, a family has been defined as a heterosexual couple and their offspring, sharing a common dwelling and dividing work by gender. In this definition, the woman takes care of the children inside the home and the man works outside the home. Few of today's American families fit this definition, however. In fact, according to the US Census Bureau, in 2006, only 15 percent of all American families resembled the so-called typical American family, that is, a married couple who are the biological parents of two children, where the father works outside the home and the mother is a homemaker. Families, like the people in them, are diverse!

American children live in a variety of family forms: For example, while some children live with both parents, many live with only one parent; others live with one biological or adoptive parent and one stepparent. Some do not live with either parent; instead, they are cared for by other relatives or foster parents, or child care providers. The parents of some children are married and others are not. Some children live with parents of the same sex. It is important to mention that couples without children also constitute a family.

Let's take a look at some varieties of families in which children live. They vary as much as their individual homes.

Family Forms

In the third type of married nuclear family, the woman works outside the home and the man cares for the children. This constitutes only a small percentage of families, about 4 percent.

Cohabiting Families
In this kind of family, a man and woman live together but are not married. If there are children, at least one of the adults is a biological or adoptive parent.

Single-Parent Family
In this family there is only one parent in the home. The number of single-parent families in the US has remained stable since 1995, and makes up about 25 percent of all households. The primary reason is divorce rates at slightly more than 50% and birth to women who do not wish to marry. Sixty percent of all children will spend some of their lives in a single-parent family. Currently, about 88% of these families are headed by women.

Blended Families and Stepfamilies
These families are generally created by divorce and remarriage. In blended families, biologically unrelated children may live in the same household.

Grandparent-led Families
Sometimes, children are reared by their grandparents when their biological parents have died or can no longer take care of them. Eight percent of US children live in households headed by their grandparents. In addition, many grandparents take the lead responsibility for child care, particularly when both parents work.

Families in Which the Adult or Adults are Lesbian or Gay
Children are sometimes reared by a lesbian or gay single parent or two gay or lesbian parents. Adults may bring children from a heterosexual relationship to these families; other children may have been adopted or conceived by assisted reproductive technologies, such as intrauterine insemination or in vitro fertilization. Sometimes one parent is the genetic parent and the other parent adopts the child. Sometimes one is the gestational parent and the other is the genetic parent.

Commuter Families
In these families, the parents live and work in different towns or states. One parent provides the primary residence, and the other parent comes home for short periods of time, such as weekends and holidays. This occurs for different reasons. For example, it may be difficult to find two professional jobs in the same city, or one or both parents may have military obligations that require them to be gone from their families for periods of time

Foster and Group Home Families
Foster parents and institutional child care workers often provide a substitute family for children referred by the courts or government agencies. While problems with their parents or guardians are being resolved, the children may live in these families.

As you can see, there are many different family structures. Because American society tends to promote the traditional family as the norm through literature, schools and television, children who live in other types of families may feel that theirs is not a real family and may be embarassed by different family structures.

It is important to let children know that the so-called "traditional family" is less common than most other types in the US. It is also important to help children understand that what the family provides for its members is more important than the way it is structured.

Challenges to Children

Children who don't live with their married, biological parents sometimes face face social challenges. Although loyal to their family, they may sometimes feel self-conscious about being part of a family that is "different." Here are examples of some of the challenges these children may face:

• A boy living with his mother and stepfather often sees his biological father, who lives in the same town and is very involved in his son's upbringing. Sometimes he needs to explain to friends that his stepfather is not his "Dad."
  
  
• A 15-year-old girl lives with her father. Her mother works 1,500 miles away and comes home four days a month and most holidays. The daughter sometimes has to explain to her friends that her parents are not divorced and that her mother participates by telephone in nearly all family decisions. For example, she may have to tell a teacher, "I'll have to call my mom before I can volunteer as a camp counselor."
  
  
• The parents of a 12-year-old girl have joint custody. She often needs to explain her living circumstances, "I live here with my mother during the school year, and during the summer I live on the East Coast with my father."
  
  
• Another boy in a joint custody family explains, "I live one week with my mom and the next with my dad. I'll give you both of my phone numbers."
  
  
• Eight-year-old twins live in in a single-parent family and explain to the Girl Scout leader that they are bringing their mother to the fathers' night banquet.
  
  
• A 10-year-old girl with two mothers (one who is her genetic mother and the other, who was pregnant with her) explains to her friend that she really does not have a dad and really does have two moms.
  
  
• A preschool boy, the adopted son of a gay man who lives with his partner of ten years, introduces his family as "Daddy Tom and Daddy Jim."

Children can be secure and well-adjusted in all kinds of family structures. However, even in the best of circumstances, being from a "different" kind of family is sometimes difficult because of misunderstandings outside the family. As a parent in a nontraditional family, you can help your children cope with these sometimes complicated situations by regularly encouraging open discussion. Here are some suggestions for creating an environment conducive to open communication:

• Define family for your children
  One of the best definitions of family was given by a child who said that a family is "a group of people who love and take care of each other." Help your children think about families in terms of what family members do for each other.
  
  
• Consider your own attitudes
  Sometimes parents and others unknowingly convey a negative sense of the family to children. For example, a single mother may feel that until she is married again she and her children are not really a family. The mother's attitude, created by her discomfort and feelings of insecurity, may create a sense of inferiority in her children. Single-parent families are sometimes viewed as broken families. It is important to emphasize that they may not be broken nor need fixing. Love and caring for each other make a family strong and whole.

  When parents encourage strong bonds between family members, the children are more likely to feel secure. They are less likely to be concerned about their family being different.

• Talk to your children about the many different ways people can be a family
  Children can better understand your meaning if you use examples of people they know. For instance, you might say:
  "Jenni's parents don't live together anymore. Jenni lives with her mother and her mother's partner, Scott."
  "Jason does not have a dad, but he has two moms who take care of him."
  "Jessica's mother and father are not able to take care of her right now. For the time being Jessica lives with Sally and Paul, her foster parents.
  
  
• Encourage your children to ask questions
  In order for children to understand what might be a complicated family situation, they need to feel comfortable asking whatever questions may be on their minds.

  It is important to answer questions in a straightforward manner. For example, an 11-year-old child might ask her father, "Why did you have to divorce Mommy and marry Susan?" One response might be, "Your mother and I grew to be unhappy living together. Nothing about our troubles was your fault. I now love Susan very much and she is a part of our family. Now you have both your Mom and Susan in your life."

  A second example may be that of a four-year-old child conceived by assisted repoductive technologies asking, "Do I have a daddy?" One way of replying is to say, "You don't have someone we call Daddy. You have a father, but he is not a part of our lives. You have two mommies who love you very much." As the child grows older, it is important to explain more about alternative insemination and the reasons for choosing this method of conception.

• Recognize potential societal barriers
  A complicated situation may develop when adults of the same sex join together. Gay men and lesbians often experience prejudice. As a result, children can be fearful about disclosing information about their family. It is helpful for parents to provide as much support as possible for the child and also to respect the way the child wishes to control personal information.

  Patience and understanding often go a long way toward creating acceptance. Many children who are allowed to control what their peers know about the family eventually gain the confidence to acknowledge the adults' relationship and cope well with responses from others. Peers who sense the child's own comfort often accept the family situation.

• Let your children control the information they want to give
  If a new stepfather is about to join a single-parent family, allow your children to tell their friends about the marriage. A family discussion about the ways your children might explain this change to friends might be helpful. For example, it might be helpful to invite your children to safely experience with you how it would be to say, "My Mom's getting married again. I'm going to have a stepdad."
  
  
• Help your children to creatively describe your family
  
  Picture drawing
  Ask your children to draw a picture of the whole family. When they are finished drawing, simply ask them to tell you about it. This drawing may give you a good idea about each child's view of the family. Notice the placement of figures. Who is next to whom? Is anyone left out? What are the emotions displayed by family members?

  You might want to collect a few drawings from your children at different times over the course of a few months. What a child draws on a happy day may be different from what the child draws on a sad day. Be sure to let them talk about the drawing. The best interpretation comes from the child who created the drawing.

  Family maps
  Drawing a map of family relationships can help your child to understand connections among immediate and extended family members. It can be fun, too! Younger children live in a very literal world. They need simple explanations. Giving a simple description of what may be a very complicated family situation is not an easy task!

  Here are two families who have complicated histories. Each family functions very well as a group of people who love and care for each other. Their family maps provide clear visual explanations off complicated situations.

  Family #1
  When her children, Joshua and Samuel, were one and three years old, Martha and her husband divorced. The boys and their mother lived together as a single-parent family for 12 years. When the boys were in their teens, Martha married Ben.

  The boys' relationship with Ben was difficult in the beginning but improved over the years. Two years after their marriage, Ben and Martha had a son, Zach.

  The older boys' biological father was an uninvolved family member. However, their paternal grandfather played an active role in their lives. Zach is now seven years old and very attached to his older brothers. He has begun asking why Joshua and Sam have a different grandfather than he does. Zach's mother draws him a family map that explains the different relationships.

  Family #2
  David lived with his mother in New York. When he was five years old, his mother died of cancer. Because he had never known his father, he went to Oregon to live with his maternal grandmother, Kate. David's 24 year-old Uncle John still lives with Grandmother Kate. He drives David to school every morning because Kate cannot drive anymore. Grandmother Kate is David's primary parent and now has full custody of him. Uncle John helps as much as he can and has agreed to assume responsibility for David if Grandmother Kate dies before David is 18.

  Photo art
  Family portraits and family photo albums also may have special importance to children. Children can keep their own albums or create photo collages of the family. These photos can help them to understand the special connections among people and serve to validate their sense of family.

Developing Community Support

It is important to keep in mind that you are the judge of how you want to help teachers and other community professionals understand and interact with your children. Your values are the key to the decisions you make about your children.

American families are our greatest resource. Families are better defined by what the people in them do for each other than by the way they are structured. They deserve to be preserved and nurtured in all their diversity.

You may wish to consult: The US Census Bureau, "Family and Living Arrangements," 2007 Current Population Survey, http://www.census.gov/population/www.socdemo/hh-fam.html.

Contributor: Jan Hare, Ph. D., professor of development and family studies, University of Wisconsin—Stout, Menomonie, WI 54751, harej@uwstout.edu; and Lizbeth Gray, Ph.D., assistant dean for academic programs, College of Health and Human Sciences, Oregon State University, Corvallis, OR 97331, grayli@oregonstate.edu.

Edited for the CES Diversity and Pluralism Database by Manju Seal, Systems Analyst, National Center for Diversity, KSU-Frankfort. October 14, 1994.

Revised January 14, 2008 for CYFERnet.org by Ann Nordby, senior editor, University of Minnesota Extension.

Children, Youth and Families Education & Research Network (CYFERNET). Permission is granted to create and distribute copies of this document for non-commercial purposes provided that the author and CYFERNet receive acknowledgement and this notice is included. Phone: 612.626.8181; E-mail: cyf@umn.edu